sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
