If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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