Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
