yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
