Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
