dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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