Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
