I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So vagazzling was a success
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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