So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
