it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
