oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
