and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
