I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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