Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
