I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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