Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
