Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
