We won't sleep together?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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