I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
me + whiskey = a bad person
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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