If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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