if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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