I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
