when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
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Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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