After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
