Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
