Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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