and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
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i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
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this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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