I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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