I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
