I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
