she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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