apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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