We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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