She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
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I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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