I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
