Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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