just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
