how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
