Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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