I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
