the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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