Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
