I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
