You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
