There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
