i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
