just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
