So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
