I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
