my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
this is an emotional support booty call
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