Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
