what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
