Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
please come you make the beer taste better
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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