Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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