I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
